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It all began over ten years ago at college...I met this guy, fell in love with him, got married in the temple, then found out he had had a pornography problem....I had no idea how this would all change my life. I instantly started living in survival mode and tried to do whatever I thought or knew would keep me safe or my husband safe. I didn't feel like I really knew myself, who I was, what I liked, why I took the roles of the Savior, Policeman, etc until one day I came across a book called "From Heartache to Healing", I realized that I struggled with "co-dependency" and then I went to my first women's support group and my life was changed forever. I finally knew what was wrong and that I couldn't change my husband, that he had a true addiction that wasn't going to just go away with an increase of scripture study and prayer. He couldn't just grow up and quit, he needed tools and counseling and we needed counseling and the Addiction Recovery Program that was available through attending the 12 steps made possible throuh LDS Family Services. Later on, I learned about the Addo Recovery Program and also realized that what I thought was codependency is actually betrayal trauma a lot like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

So this is my story of finding my true identity!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Change...


Do you ever feel like this??? If I had started recording how many times my husband has said "sorry" throughout our entire marriage....well it would be a high number...we all have to say I'm sorry, my kids have heard it a bazillion times from me. 

Why is it so hard to change? Why is it so easy to see all the ways my husband needs to change but forget that I have plenty of my own "weaknesses". Sin is sin right?! The Lord can't look down on ANY sin with the least degree of allowance...

I know that there has been many times where I have thought that because this blasted trial of addiction is so hard that Heavenly Father will go easier on me...like He will look past those prayers I didn't say, those scriptures I didn't read, and those I didn't serve.

Life is tricky! But I am just grateful for the knowledge I have of the Atonement! It seems like the BigGEst thing I have learned through this all is that I NEED the Atonement! I cannot do anything without my Savior's help! I need His redeeming grace. 


I love this little photo reminder! Because on those days when my hope is down and my faith is wavering, I am reminded that with God all things are possible!

And


AND



And I can try again tomorrow...




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